🔗 Share this article

The schedule for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington shows a playful bilingual performance and an improvised theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Planners likely want to prevent any uninvited attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing spectacle where highly compensated dignitaries will doubtlessly parrot the tired platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

A glamorous event is set to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with small-statured US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have British football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a trusty fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three grueling hours, the show will include a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental highlight reels, approved jokes, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Duty

Among those helping to carrying out the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of personality exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, short of an armed security team crashing the ceremony, it's hard to envision what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any kind of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already secured a place for next summer's tournament and six more set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will play in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the US, guesses about the recipient are ripe, though the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-game winless run, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Further to the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"